Category: Articles

Patient “B” came to our office this morning complaining of “movement” in her digestive system.  A full anal inspection was performed and combined with a microscopic stool analysis, it was determined that “B” has worms.  Given her recent “up to her elbows” work in the dingo pen, this comes...

It seems that our new school bus driver, Tom Filmore, is something of a non-drinker.  Sure, he’ll have one or two to get rid of the morning crud and then another at lunch to make the day go a little smoother, but no, he’s not really a drinker, he’s...

Senior Huffing at an All-Time High Despite calls for yet another crackdown, huffing in our nation’s nursing homes has reached an all time high. It is estimated that as many as 60% of nursing home residents partake in this potentially dangerous pastime with 30% of them categorised as “chronic”...

Hello pretty McDonald’s drive-through lady, it’s me, the fat guy in the loud, green Buick who always pays with cash. I’m the one who orders his three daily quarter-pounders with no pickles and extra cheese. Remember me? Sure, of course you do.  I thought it was time to let...

Businesses nationwide will shut for a soul-crushing 24 hours this December 25th allowing so-called “Christians” to celebrate the virgin birth of their Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. The ancient, mysterious sect is considered responsible for millions of dollars of lost shopping revenue in the Twin Cities alone while the...

To my beloved family:  As you know, I lost my job at the lumber yard this year but I quickly found work at the new sex shop across the street from McDonald’s.  I went from humping 2x4s and plywood all day to helping other people hump each other, a...

——– Hey I’m just leaving for a road trip so I’ll get this fixed up in a few days. Anyway, Connie Chung has singled out the “comics” as something beneath her. Well, Connie, let me tell you a few things. It’s really quite simple, Ms. Chung, I have one...

Three year old Siamese seeing-eye cat, Kitty-Kitty, narrowly escaped the grisly fate of his owner today when the allegedly blind man, Cal Thompson, was obliterated by a light rail train at the Sherwood Road railroad crossing. Witnesses say the cat came within inches of the killer train, led there,...

You might think that having something so fearsome sounding would be quite terrible. It can be. It fucks with every part of your life and eventually, you are left with nothing – no friends, no family, no money, no job, no home – nothing. This is why people end...

Apartment dweller Terry Wright, of Stillwater, Minnesota, expressed concern today that his wife of 12 years, Jodi Wright, had purchased two sets of 750 thread count, handmade bamboo sheets, the care tags for which demand hand washing and expressly forbid tumble drying. “We’re in an apartment in Minnesota, what...