It’s Christmas and you’re all getting fuck toys!

To my beloved family:  As you know, I lost my job at the lumber yard this year but I quickly found work at the new sex shop across the street from McDonald’s.  I went from humping 2x4s and plywood all day to helping other people hump each other, a career I’ve discovered that I’m uniquely qualified to pursue.  But the really good news is that I get a 10% employee discount so you are all getting fuck toys for Christmas!

To my lovely wife, Vanessa:  You’ve been very, very naughty this year so instead of your usual perfume or chick lit beach book, you’ll be getting a 3 in 1 Modular Fuck Machine.  This baby is top of the line and guaranteed to bring you to a teary eyed orgasm every time.  Simply lube up, insert one of two included fuck machine tools into the desired orifice, and flip the switch.  At 190 strokes per minute, you’ll be fucked like you haven’t been fucked in the 38 years since our first fuck. Fuckin’  hell!

To my unemployed son, Eric:  You are in luck, Santa managed to score the very last Sasha Grey Pocket Pussy in North America.  It’s a real life mold of Sasha’s naughty bits so no worries there. It’s also life-like and stretchy so it will do until you can get the real thing. (Try getting a job, chicks dig employed men.)

To my loving daughter, Lauren:   Since you are now 37, it is probably time we had “the talk” but honestly I’m not very good at that sort of thing so instead you are getting a Unicorn Wand Vibrator with insertable attachment, storage pouch, and, mercifully, instructions.  You can learn all sorts of cool stuff by reading instruction manuals and learning to touch yourself “down there” is no exception. This Christmas, you’ll be able to achieve “deep, rumbling orgasms” which will no doubt be more satisfying than the Hobby Lobby gift card your mother wanted to give you.

To my dear mother, Martha:  Dad has been gone few years now but let’s face it, you still have needs. So, because I love you so much, you’re getting a genuine,  Swiss-engineered Eroscillator Top Deluxe.  Mom, this will stimulate your clitoris, labia, perineum, nipples, and it’s even good for internal stimulation, you know, if you want to experiment. I’m not sure of your orgasm status, but I didn’t want to take any chances so I went top-of-the-line for you. This baby has been clinically proven help help 87% of anorgasmic women, a fact not lost on me whilst I was shopping for your gift.  It comes with all the attachments you’ll ever need and it’s even endorsed by Dr. Ruth so you know it is a quality product sure to satisfy for years to come.

As for myself, I’m all in on prostate stimulators so there you go, something for up the butt!  I’m thinking perhaps a Vector+ Prostate Vibrator by We-Vibe might be just the ticket! Teamed up with a Riley Reed Pocket Pussy (now only $21.99) I’ll probably be holed up in my room until June.

That’s it! I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and that your 2025 is filled with loads of toe-curling, self-induced orgasms.