Senior Huffing at an All-Time High

Senior Huffing at an All-Time High

Despite calls for yet another crackdown, huffing in our nation’s nursing homes has reached an all time high. It is estimated that as many as 60% of nursing home residents partake in this potentially dangerous pastime with 30% of them categorised as “chronic” users. 

“It’s so fucking boring here, of course we’re going to sniff paint! Glue and markers, too!” This sentiment, shared by an anonymous nursing home resident, was echoed time and time again throughout our investigation.  “We have one fucking TV and it’s on fucking sports most of the time.  Here, try some glue.” 

“Sure, it happens,” said Ian McIntyre of the Golden Oaks Nursing Home, “Anytime you get a large group of people living in abysmal conditions, you’ll have a few bad apples who ruin it for the rest.  We had to lock down the oven cleaner last week and the roach spray the week before that. These people will do anything for a quick buzz.”

Experts warn that seniors engaging in this practice risk brain damage and even death. “I’m dead already, the spray paint in a sock trick just takes the edge off,” said Gladys Humphrey, 87. “So it kills a few brain cells, so what? If anyone really cared I wouldn’t be sitting in my own filth most of the time, would I?”

“There’s no safe way to inhale nail polish remover fumes,” says Kirk Donovan, of the Association of Aged Care Professionals. “Leave that shit be.”

Residents, however, claim that huffing merely provides an escape from the tedium of nursing homes life where boredom is just as a sure way to die as anything else.