Found an old notebook!

I found an old pocket notepad laced with a few jokes and joke premises and just plain old dumb crap. Here are some quotes from it…

Skidmark in the toilet of life.

Woman’s health clinic. Logo is a coat hanger. (I have no idea where that was supposed to go, sorry ladies.)

Something about “illiterates clogging up bookshops at Christmas.”

Here’s a joke I wrote… “My new iPhone is awesome, it really is. Going into debt for three years only to have to upgrade once again is one of the best decisions of my life. That, and moving to South Dakota.”

What if aliens are all really stupid… planets full of Gilligans, millions of nincompoops out there in space…

One word: Intelligentier “I’m more intelligentier than you.” (I don’t know if I’m the originator of this word, hope so!)

Eye pokes. Eye pokes are always funny.

Okay… a wedding day concept for a joke… A guy is getting married. Just as they are about to take their vows, a woman waves and smiles at the guy. He winks back at her and smiles. The bride is like hey, wtf? The groom replies, “It’s okay, she’s just my fuckbuddy. I’ll introduce you soon.”

Okay, this is kind of dumb but it is in my notebook so here you go… A guy and his friend are out camping. The guy keeps doing something really stupid and annoying. (I don’t know what.) Finally, the friend turns to him and shouts angrily, STOP IT! You’ll attract bandicoots! – I don’t know what is funny about that but I suppose it could be. *bangs head on desk*

Ordering pizza in Scandinavia… Just like anywhere else except you have to specify “no herring.”

Someone admiring a new baby… This person looks at the baby then at the mom and says, “I just have to know… c-section or vaginal?” I think this could be funny with more set-up.

My credit is so bad I had to sue myself!

I’m feeling much more handsome than usual today. If I was a gay chubby-chaser, I’d totally do me!

Now something about the Harry and Meghan Netflix Special… 81.5 million viewing hours… With that kind of brainpower put to work, we could cure cancer or have world peace or finally be able to keep up with the Kardashians, you know, something important!

Female snakes have clitorises. (Not sure why this is in my notes.)

Finally…

Why did the Alzheimer’s patient dial 9-1-1? He didn’t know either. (Terrible, I know, but it is in my notebook.)